A few years ago I was asked by the editor of an American news site for which I occasionally wrote, to put a few words together about Australian women.
So I did.
No, he would not publish it but he loved it and I believe sent it on to friends.
Every word is true.
I'm an Aussie sheila so I know my place in the scheme of things, which is to be seen and not heard.
Aussie sheilas work 10 hours a day at their jobs and return home and clean the house,cook the meals,get their gear off in the bedroom, buy the steaks and snags for the barbies on the weekend, pick up the slabs (beer),clean the truck, wash feed and discipline the kids, provide tucker for the footie match, and go along in case they are needed to fetch the beer down to the footie ground, wash the team's footie shirts, bath the dog, remind the husband he needs to go on a diet, accepts without complaint his criticism of her and her parents and her grandparents and her children and her dog and her cat and her car and her job, and her hair and her weight and her dress sense, and her suburb/city/country of birth, and her political affiliation, and definitely her tennis playing and the colour of her eyes, and tell him three times a day and six times on Sundays that he is handsome, sexy, a good father, the only one she ever loved,(haha), the best lover she's ever had (ha bloody haha), has the best hair she has ever seen, even if he is bald, has a great tight arse, she loves hairy men, even with hair in their ears, nostrils, etc etc, has the best genes in the world , that's why she chose to have his children, irons his pants with the special crease he likes, makes sure he has plenty of underdaks because he refuses to buy his own, informs him at family dinners whether or not he has sugar in his coffee and how much, cleans his car for him and shines it once a week, tells his boss he is sick when he is faking it, fake it when you have sex with him, congratulate him on his three seconds of foreplay he managed last night, tell him his penis is the biggest you have ever seen, but you're never actually seen any you tell him,(ha bloody ha ha ha),pat his beer belly and say no darling I don't think you drink too much, take his clothes off him when he comes home from a stag party ten minutes before the wedding and tell him that your best friend will loooove his having taken her groom out last night and chained him naked to the stop sigh on the highway out of town......
tell his mother what a great son she raised, listen sweetly every time he praises his mother's cooking over her's, invite his parents and siblings around for Sunday dinner every Sunday and tell his mother how much you need to learn from her, make the payments on everything, accept criticism for missing payment on his car because child was running 105 degree temperature and needed emergency operation, smile happily when he announces big surprise coming up on wedding anniversary and smile even bigger when find out surprise is a four day fishing trip for him and his mates, run out at 5am and buy bait he forgot before fishing trip and smile at mates when they arrive late smelling of grog and tramp around house waking children, happily accept late anniversary present of electric drill, and place it in his tool shed with Christmas present from him of circular saw and Birthday present from him of screw driver set, work overtime to purchase hi-tech mobile phone he looked at in catalogue, and agree totally with him next day when after losing it he preclaims it wasn't much good anyway, pick up wet towels and clothes from bathroom floor, wipe mud from bedroom carpet, inform children your mother not witch and does not put curses on people and even if she was they won't get the witch gene, look for husband to reprove him for telling children rubbish and get told to move from in front of TV, Warnie's gunna bowl,hurry to kitchen to get more beer for husband's mates, laugh when they empty chip packet over new sofa saying you can clean it tomorrow, hurry with shower so you can get to bed before husband and get to sleep.
Smile when you don't make it and say....
Of course I'm not tired.
I expect you all to believe every word!